Sunday, May 5, 2019

Put Down the Dragons and Grab the Quill

Finding it hard to close my games and open writing apps.

It's easy to tell myself I'll just play for a "few minutes" before doing other, more grown-up things... But we all know a few minutes is bull and most of the truly engrossing games being marketed to the public aren't meant for only a few minutes of play. They're designed to suck you in for hours.

Not that I'm complaining... they're perfect for escaping reality and that's one of my favorite things.

Still, this computer wasn't meant to be used for gaming. I've got a phone for that. What? You use yours for calls? 


All the anxiety about writing again and about making this a new (again) habit is pointless. Now the hard copies of the old blogs have been found I can remind myself it read like aimless babbling until I found my footing then too. It's neither necessary nor likely to sit down after several years and write a breathtaking essay. When you don't use a skill for many years, it takes a bit to get it back. No, you never forget how to ride a bike but most people, after not doing it for years, are pretty freaking wobbly when they first get back on two wheels. 

Telling myself "I'll do it when it's not so intimidating" is also pretty freaking pointless... if not the single biggest lie I ever tell myself. Waiting until I'm not afraid or anxious is permission to avoid things in perpetuity.

Which, seem like a great idea until the avoidance itself is a source of anxiety. Having dropped myself into this chasm between a rock and hard place, it's time to decide what I'm going to do to get out.

Let's hope I can skip the part about cutting off my own arm.

Saturday, May 4, 2019

Here's Your Sign

Having pulled a third 55 hour week in a month, which my body hates and is not likely to forgive, I’m trying to sleep.

Like, right this moment, sitting cross-legged in bed with a laptop sitting on my calves, I’m trying to sleep. Sure the whole sitting up thing is kinda contraindicated for sleep but when I put away the screen or the book or the music or whatever device I use to wind down to sleep (shut up you*) that’s when my brain attacks.

It’s getting better. I’m no longer trying to prevent my brain from flying to pieces or driving me into the panic attack from hell. Which is appreciated. It’s easier to sleep when your chest doesn’t hurt and you aren’t fighting a stomach full of angry snakes.

Except now? Now, it wants to dissect me.

Look, I have a therapist. Shut up when I’m trying to sleep, okay?
See, I was lying down. Got home from work, changed into a t-shirt, hung out with Little Man for a bit, took my morning meds with a couple of non-ambien type sleep aids, and was all ready to snuggle under my mandala sheet/blanket and snooze.


Anyone remember the movie 28 Days? No, not the zombie one. The Sandra Bullock one… where she was in rehab?

See, it started out with me randomly thinking we need to have an Alan Tudyk Appreciation Day**. His body of work is incredible. From Wash in Firefly to Sonny in I, Robot to Wat in A Knight’s Tale to the freaking voice of Hei Hei in Moana, Steve the Pirate in Dodgeball, Simon in the British version of Death at a Funeral (who mistakes acid for valium) and this is barely his highlight reel...

Not even a representative sample but now I need to know more about this shirtless, tatted Alan

Brain- So, hey, do you remember how Gwen had to wear a sign because she wouldn’t ever ask for help?
Confront me if I don't ask for help

M- Trying to sleep here.
B- You know all those times when life would start falling apart and you’d pull away from everyone and hide behind that “everything is at its usual level of insane so let’s laugh our way through” thing?
M- Weren't we thinking about Alan Tudyk?
B- You're doing it again.
M-Sleep. Need some.
B- You're. Doing. It. Again. M- Hold up. No. Wanting to stand on my own feet financially isn't the same. You know how far I've come just in the last 6 months. The car thing is a setback but will ultimately be the best thing.
B- This isn't about the car.
M- Wait, what?
B- So, back to Gwen. The refusal to ask for help was pretty compulsive, huh?
M- And?
B- That’s you.
M- Don't care. Sleep. B- You need a "confront me" sign.
M- And we can’t do this after I sleep because why?
B- You’ll find something to do to keep you busy and this is the only time we get to really talk.
M- Piss off.
B- Just saying, you should probably watch the movie again. You can ignore the formulaic crap because the message is pretty solid. You know.
M- I will FONG you.
B- Also, I still remember how to sing the entirety of American Pie in Pig Latin.
M- Gorramit

Anyway, that’s why I’m probably going to fall asleep watching 28 Days.

*You know who you are
**We totally need an ATAD