Tuesday, December 31, 2013

What If

As I schedule twice daily posts over at The Crew, there's a sense of amazement those words were written a full decade ago.

One of the minor changes in the last 10 years is the power of an open blog window to make by brain uncontrollably stutter.

Dan tried explaining the brain stutter that occurred when a total stranger tried to exchange numbers on behalf of her friend. I laughed at the time but oh, do I get it. Brain fart is an already established term. I think we'll have to see if we can make a brain stutter a colloquial term for when you're not actually speaking while your brain trips over itself suggesting word fragments and partial sentences.

All that aside, I'm trying to recognize and, I suppose you could say, validate the massive anxiety still there about the whole reposting project.

I started out correcting the lack of any meaningful use of correct punctuation, capitalization and OH MY GOSH WAS MY SPELLING ATROCIOUS AND MY WRITING WAS TERRIBLE!

I started out that way... but then decided only to correct what have since become chat standard abbreviations and the spelling. So, Reese and I never bothered with capital letters.That quirk is part of who we were. Also, if I'm uncomfortably honest about it, it's hard enough to read everything without trying to use the critical eye of an editor. It's part of what contributed to abandoning it last year. It took too much out of me on an emotional level and there was more than enough in life sucking me emotionally dry.

I wasn't ready.

There's also a weird fear about having it all in one, accessible place again. Every month or so, when I was writing this on the original site, I'd receive a comment from someone who had found the blog and read it entirely in one sitting. It was a huge compliment and encouragement but always left me with a sense of "Really? Why?" First of all, how did anyone get past those first months of total drek before the writing matured? Second, really? Why? 

Compelling, I can accept. Emotionally accessible, (Seriously, why is RELATABLE not a real word but twerk is?) okay sure. Educational, yeah it grew to be that. Mesmerizing? That's too much to hope for. Part of the secret hope in all this is believing people would want to know... want to read.

You know that little voice we have as kids that says "You're gonna be a famous ____ one day!" Mine's been saying writer since I was about 8 years old. I didn't want to tell a story that delves into the very core of me and exposes it. I don't want to write something sensationalist or trendy. I want that part of me that goes crazy if its not recording words to be liked and accepted... by somebody. If people read my words and they're entertained, inspired, moved or otherwise emotionally affected, then YES! That's it! That's the magic.

But putting it all out there again. What if the magic is gone? What if The Crew is... forgettable? What if I missed my chance?

What if I don't let that stop us this time?

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