Thursday, February 23, 2012

This Looks Like More Than I Can Do

You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through
Forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own


In 3 weeks time: Charlie was hospitalized with A-fib so bad they wanted to shock his heart to get it back to normal sinus.

The Lexus died, yet again. Despite it not being in his best interest health-wise, Charlie fixed it... costing $200 more than we had to spend.

We broke down and called my septuagenarian parents to ask for a loan to buy a long overdue second car.

Daniel made a mistake, leaving a knife in his pocket at school. He was caught with it and arrested on weapons charge. At 17, he’s considered an adult and this is a charge that will certainly get him expelled and possibly send him to jail. This the same week that his girlfriend confessed she’s being treated for DID and today ended their nearly 3 year relationship.

Charlie has a cardio cath scheduled for Tuesday. The same day we have to be there for Daniel’s expulsion hearing. A day I have to work due to switching days with the other driver. Plans can’t be adjusted. Unless we have the second car by then, we’re toast. I’ve missed 4 days of work this month, kicking us back more than $400 and making getting to the end of the month a real challenge.

Oh, and we need money for the public defender. $40 non-refundable ‘assessment’ charge.

I don’t know who my oldest child is anymore but I know I don’t get to spend time with my granddaughter and what I do see of my daughter… is hard to like.

Becka’s ex got mixed up with human traffickers who are blowing up her phone with demands for money for Noeli’s life and threatening to kill him. Even if she had money, she wouldn’t pay coyotes. Noeli shouldn’t have gotten involved in the first place. But she lives every day wondering if the father of her child is ever going to even get the chance to get his butt home to Cancun and survive to know his daughter.

John is in need of some intervention again. Not as drastic as last year but he’s asked for counseling. This is the closest thing to good news I can even see right now.

I find myself fantasizing about swallowing a bottle of klonopin or buying a pack of single edge blades… I haven’t and won’t but the thoughts are fucking exhausting.

My physical health has so deteriorated that I can now do for 1/2 an hour what I could do all day last year... and it takes most of my 3 days off to recover from 4 days of work... meaning sometimes NOTHING gets done... and it's all on me to do.

I took a nap this afternoon and dreamed I not only split again but completely fell apart. Given the sobbing in my dream, it’s a wonder I wasn’t crying physically… and I’m to the point of hoping that little bit of dreamed emotional release will be enough to keep me from snapping.

The people in my everyday life (church folks) are wonderful for prayer purposes but not people who could hear any of this without platitudes. Last time I told my pastor I was fighting off depression, he reminded me that singing praise helps. Yeah, because I don’t already sing my guts out every moment I’m in the car because it’s helping me stay from teetering on the edge… but damn, it’d be nice to be taken seriously for frikkin once. Answers like that make it hard to care that I haven’t been since my job made getting to service a nightmare. They can accept others so ill they can’t function but I guess I’m held to a higher standard.

I’m scared for my family. I’m scared for my mental health. I’m at my limit. I’m done trying to be strong. Stop fucking expecting it.

6 comments:

  1. Oh fuck. I'm sorry. Hang in there. I'll pray for you guys, and I love you.

    - Alanna Banana <3

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  2. Praying for things to get better. Know I love you! We have been friends for a LONGTIME. I am here if you need anything.

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  3. *hugs* I'm so sorry you are going through all this right now. I wish there was some magic words I could say to make it all better, but there aren't and trying to come up with any would just be fake on my part. I will be praying for you and your family.

    I'm sorry that you get such blanket answers from your pastor and church. I hate those kind of responses and have been on the receiving end of those more times than I can count. Yes praise is very beneficial, but it doesn't drive away the pain and emotional agony you feel in that moment. Only God can help us move beyond those points. Nothing we actually can do can change things and if we could why would we even need to rely on God.

    Again my prayers are with you and your family.

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  4. I am so sorry. I wish I was there... I love you.

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  5. Hey girl, I know exactly how you are feeling. even though my circumstances are different. I am dealing with crap STILL from my dead husband..feel like he's still beating my ass from the grave...when will it ever stop.. I am at my wits end..and some days have no desire to go through another day, but have no choice but to..and it seems when we get to this point when we hear, "I'm praying for you, or you need to pray harder or sing louder, and praise more..." it does nothing but just piss you off that much more because you feel as though you are all alone carrying the entire load and your tired...Your tired of trying and it seems as though the harder you try the worse it gets...so what's the freakin point....and all the want is some kind of escape...if only for just a little while....for God's sake....GIVE ME A BREAK....I feel you....I really do understand...and I truly wish there was something I could say or do to help..but being in the same emotional position as you...I know there is nothing that I could do to change how you are feeling right now...But just know...I really do understand how your feeling....The only thing that I have been doing just to deal with all that is going on...WHETHER IT BE WRONG OR RIGHT...I'm just saying..the heck with it all...I can not control what is happening...the only thing i can do at this point is wake up everyday and day each day one day at a time...yea...my attitude may be a little crappy....alright....a lot crappy....but I'm still here...I haven't gone and grabbed a bottle..I'm still sober...and alive...and sometimes all we can do is just lay in the bed and try to grab a hold of any sane thoughts we may have, cry a while, and then just take moment by moment...and one thing I have learned through all this is....when I have given up...when I finally realized that my strength is not enough...somehow...everyday...god provides me with his strength and grace for another day...so my advice...is to just take it all and throw it as hard as you can to God...yell and scream if ya have to...he knows how your feeling already....this is too much for me...and it seems when we finally give up..that is when he steps in...even if its only to give you the strength to get from day to day...and the strength not to grab a bottle...focus on what is good...the fact that your husband loves your very much and he is alive...focus on the fact that even though things are in complete mess with your kids...that they are alive...struggle and grab a hold to the little things that are good...I'm not saying that this will work for you, the only thing that i can do is share with you what seems to be helping me get through one day at a time...I love you...and if you need me....I am here....

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  6. hi marisa sweetie, its anya, faeriegirls you remember us? its been so long and oh how hard to read how things are going i'm so sorry. my life isn't exactly a cup of tea as we're in the integrating phase and diagnosed with fibromyaliga last jan so living with chornic pain and am STILL waiting for a pain specialist who can finally prescribe something that works. anyways sorry, i just wanted to let you know that we're praying for you and we're here for you. you were there for us when we needed someone and i've missed you alot over the years and thought many times about you guys and how things are going.... my email address is agkater@rogers.com please send a note when you get a chance. but for now, God bless my dear friend and we're praying for you. always, anya & co.xoxo

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