Deconstructing Tara: Aftermath
“Having Multiple
Personalities is like hosting a kegger in your brain only you’re passed out
cold while everyone else is just trashing the joint.”
Reese was always too concerned with “being in the way” to
leave a mess. Stephanie would scour the house when she was pissed. For me it
was less hosting a kegger than an endless sleepover for a bunch of elementary
school girls. We had Stacy and her
Barbies (which she learned quickly not to leave out because my daughters would
play with them and lose stuff), Amelia and her crayons and paints and any of
the other littles with their precious things... Over the years, they each were
given a few belongings of their own. From the Braille tablet and stylus for
Laura to the mind-numbing amount of stuffed animals the youngest of the young
adored. Oh yeah, I could tell who had been out by what had been moved around or
left out in the open.
It was never quite as bad as Tara deals with. I think part
of the reason for that is my Crew was expected to behave as part of an already
large family with 5 young kids. There was an almost built in sense of
protecting their belongings from “sisters” or “brothers” that would get their
hands on them and leave them in less than good condition. I vaguely remember a
couple of tantrums from Amelia and Stacy about “those other kids” borrowing
their things without permission.
No, it wasn’t so much a kegger for me as it was the Dugger
family, without the sense of order and discipline.
Family Meetings-
Oh sure. We tried. When the kids were younger it was easier.
They loved talking about and to anyone in the Crew who happened to be around.
They had grown up with it, had their own favorites and knew Mom needed the
details afterward. They also got a kick out of sharing stories about the
others. We’ve always been a story-telling family and filling me on the actions
of the Crew was an opportunity to tell a story.
As they grew older, the meetings became more difficult.
Trying to keep everyone’s attention (including the Crew’s) for more than 10
minutes was an exercise in frustration. We also fell into the habit of only
really holding family meetings when the kids were in enough trouble they all
needed to hear the same thing at the same time. It’s no wonder resentment built
towards such gatherings in my house.
I homed in on the detail that T smokes menthol. In the first
episode we see Buck smokes reds. It was kind of a head shaker for me because
for the first year or so after diagnosis, I caved and let Stephanie and Reese
have their own cigarettes. I was buying full flavor, lights and ultra lights. I
eventually begged both girls to please just deal with one flavor. I didn’t care
if they cut or took off the filters… it just made no sense to keep buying
something different for each of us.
“It’s that’s really
good we can discuss this as a family. It doesn’t have to be weird.”
“It’s weird.”
Kate pisses me off SO much. If I’m honest about it, I think
Kate hits all the guilt buttons. Looking at her I see al the anger and
resentment my own kids, especially my oldest, never felt they could express.
All those “I’m fucking up my family” feelings rise up and try to choke me when
I see Tara and Kate together.
“Look, we knew when
you went off the meds the whole gang would resurface.”
“Yeah, Multiple
Personality Reunion Tour.”
… “Anyway, I can’t… we
can’t begin to understand why you need them unless we let them show themselves”
Meds and DID- It bothers me how often DID is treated with
anti-psychotics. The doctor treating me when I was diagnosed had no experience
with DID. His immediate answer was Risperdol, a medication then used to treat
Schozophrenia. If I hadn’t had such severe side-effects, there’s no telling how
long I’d have taken it. The side-effects were a blessing in disguise because I’d
already locked the Crew behind a wall for 7 years. It would have been damned
cruel to medicate them into silence just as we were coming to know them.
Some medications can help in treating DID. Anti-depressants,
anti-anxiety and even some of the older anti-psychs… but it’s a crapshoot and
not an answer. Meds should aid in treatment, not be the treatment. The idea of
doping up a patient to make them easier to deal with sets my teeth on edge. But
then, before the Wall fell, I’d already had plenty of experience in being
medication into oblivion for the sake of making me easier to deal with rather
than better… so my perception here may be skewed.
When it comes down to it, DID might exist in tandem with
depression and a whole host of other problems but the DID itself is a trauma
response and not a biological illness. You can use a medication the way we use
Advil, to ease pain… but if you aren’t dealing with the source of the pain,
what’s the fucking point? You can’t deal with the source using a drug as the
main tool. Not with trauma disorders.
“Last thing you need
is to worry about my stupid school stuff.”
It sounds like Marshall is being helpful in trying not to
add stress to Mom’s life... Let’s not even go into the issue of kids feeling
the need to protect their own parents or be the parents… but when I first saw
this episode, my immediate sense was Marshall either didn’t trust his mom to
follow through in a helpful way or didn’t trust she could do it without
switching.
Tara trying to talk to Kate about sex- Ugh… More guilt.
Seeing it from the outside, I realize my efforts to be cool mom probably made
me look even more an idiot to my kids. I know much of that is normal
parent/teenager stuff but like Tara, I have a hard time truly believing it’s
not me failing in some way.
“Evil fucking Bratz
Doll.”
I can’t think of a better way to describe an angry, teenage
daughter. I’m still worried things are too screwed up for the “adult daughter”
with children friendship thing… but there’s hope.
“And tomorrow, I’m
gonna talk to Marshy’s teacher and we’re gonna get that straightened out as
well.”
Oops. Cat’s out of the bag. Marshall doesn’t want Mom
talking to his teacher. What a horrible, horrible feeling… and all too
familiar. It’s that stupid guilt thing again.
“It’s like they don’t
even want me around when I’m me.”
“Please, it’s all
you.”
Forgetting for a moment Charmaine’s comment… It’s been how
many integrated years now and I still feel that way. Like I’m not good enough
as I am… or I’ve screwed things up so badly there is no healing or forgiveness.
There’s also the fear they simply liked the others enough that I’m… I don’t
know… boring and 2 dimensional in comparison.
Thing is, it’s STILL not the kid’s job to reassure me there.
At some point, I have to get over myself and move on. Most of my kids are
adults now. It’s time to let them think and feel what they choose and to let
them accept the consequences for their choices without looking at it through my
useless guilt filter.
And again, less than halfway through an episode and I’m
pretty sure this entry is as long as it needs to be. Perhaps it would ease some
worry to accept that, for now, there’s enough to comment on in each episode
that it’ll take more than one entry to cover it all. Ease off on the
self-imposed pressure and deadlines and give myself a break…
Yeah, I crack myself up.
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