Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Pause, Process, Proceed (Companion Post)

Fall 1994 Entry 1
Fall 1994 Entry 2
Fall 1994 Entry 3

The first thing I notice in the journal entries from 1994 is the language. For me, it was extreme and probably the only way I could express both my anger at God (wasn't becoming a Christian supposed to solve all my problems?) and the depth of my feelings at the time.

It's also obvious the depth of self-hatred I had, which still makes me squirm all these years later.

What really gets me though is how completely I was living within emotion. I can look back now and acknowledge that while emotion may always be real, it's not always honest. I am not, nor was I ever, the complete waste of humanity I so deeply believed. Even when not in the throes of a Major Depressive Episode, this was a deeply held belief and it seemed certain that eventually everyone would figure this out and I'd end up alone. I can't pinpoint exactly when I finally accepted my own value as a human and a child of God... to be honest, it's still an occasional struggle. But it's been years since "You're a shit" has played ad nauseum in my head or since walking past a mirror brought with it the compulsion to curse my reflection.

There's hope in that. Granted, brain chemistry may never change and Depression may always be something lurking and ready to strike... but I can honestly say the tools to fight it are there and fight it, I do. It's nice to see the difference and know, not simply feel, it's a battle I'm equipped to fight.

One thing in these writings I'm proud of is the level of questioning there was for the theories of the "doctor" I was seeing at the time. It didn't take me long to realize he was a fraud and even more self-involved than I was at the time. I saw him for only a few weeks. By the time my pastor informed me the man was an unlicensed pariah, I was already at my limit with him (though I'd never admit that to the pastor). When I called Dr. M to tell him I would no longer be seeing him, he had the gall to tell me I couldn't make it without him. No kidding. If for no other reason than spite, I managed to pull myself out of that particular cycle of depression within a few weeks. I can at least thank the guy for giving me motivation to prove him wrong.

As uncomfortable as it is to type up and read these past writings, it is nice to be able to look at it without getting lost in it. The lyrics from a contemporary Christian song have been playing in my head as I write... "I don't have to carry the weight of who I was". What a very welcome change from the 'tapes' of the old days.


  1. I love that you're doing this, and I totally what you mean about looking back and seeing things differently. I think this is one of the great things about your choice to do this project.

    As a friend, can I offer one technical suggestion? Whenever you comment on this blog about something you're reposting over at The Crew (and I strongly recommend you do this), include LINKS to the post(s) you're talking about. It'll help newcomers that find this blog first to find The Crew. Also, it'll help give everyone a frame of reference about what you're talking about, making it easier to jump between the relevant posts in the two blogs.

  2. You're welcome. And just so you know, I just pimped you over at The Slacktiverse.

  3. I love you too.

    In some ways, reading The Crew right now is weird for me. I'm getting a much stronger glimpse into the your life from eight or nine years (I still can't remember exactly when your attempts at "cyber-stalking" me proved successful) before I knew you. You were at such a different place in your journey at the time! In many ways, I find myself admiring you all the more, which I wouldn't have thought was possible....

    And I'm glad you clarified that the "doctor" you're referring to in these particular entries is not Dr. C or your most recent therapist.

  4. @ Jarred- I'm with you on being grateful she clarified the "doctor" was NOT Dr C.

    @Marisa, am I correct that this was the doc that when you came back to yourself in the fetal position on his floor, he told you to (paraphrasing your paraphrasing here to the best of my memory) suck it up, or to quit playing games and "pretending" to be a little kid?

    Many hugs and much love. I know this is rough for you to go through. Your friends are here for you, tho. We always will be.

  5. Black Rose actually brought up something else I'm wondering. Right now we're reading entries from 1994. What was your relationship with The Crew at this point. Were you aware of them yet? Had you accepted their existence?


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