Thursday, March 31, 2011

Depth Peception

I've long been known to have a tendency towards jumping in with both feet. I don't test the depth, even in murky waters. I like to take a running leap and cannonball right into it.

Needless to say, this occasionally gets me in over my head.

Hey, at least I've learned not to dive in. A person can only take so many concussions or total breaks with reality and keep swimming, you know?

Having finally pulled out all available writing in the subject of The Crew, including the rather scattered notes kept by Pastor R and Pat back in '98-'99... I'm reminded once again that it might be a good idea to occasionally stop and check the depth of the water.

Initial plans to post up to 4 entries a day will simply have to wait until I reach the actual online diary portion of writing. Everything else is so scattered. There are fragments of my own hand written journals from 1999, early attempts to identify the alters, scraps of notes from me or Charlie to The Crew. What I do have to paint a picture of the time when The Crew finally began to emerge and be recognized is some writing I did in an effort to look back. I think it worth posting those next, if for nothing more than continuity.

Having looked over the first 6 entries.... several times... I like that I can acknowledge I may be ready to do this but not organizationally prepared and find it funny, not a reason to lock myself in the bathroom or hurt myself. To be self-deprecating not self-flagellating is still new enough to be kind of awesome when I stop to think about it.

I hope I never, ever take it for granted.

One of these days, I'll learn to test the waters. Or not. Life would get boring if I always knew what I was getting into.


  1. I've never been the test-the-waters type either.

    But it's been a long time since I've even attempted a feat such as this. You are my hero. <3

  2. Meh, testing the waters is over-rated. I have found that those times I get in over my head at least give me good stories for dinner parties later. (I just LOVE the sort of story that causes a collective gasp and then stunned silence!) Our very lack of forethought is one of the things that makes us so interesting. ;P

  3. I am seeing so many similarities between me these past few years and the former you from years ago. I am finally learning to own myself and my faults, and this whole process, what you're doing, is so very brave. I am ashamed of who I've been. You are looking at who you used to be without being self-flagellating,like you said, and it is so freaking impressive! I feel so privileged to be allowed to witness such growth and sheer awesome!

    i don't know if you knew this, but i'm "in recovery" from presenting as having BPD. maybe that's why i identify with you, even though that's not what you had, but what you were wrongly diagnosed with.

    i'm rambling and not entirely making sense. but nothing but love and admiration from this kid!

  4. @Valerie... If someone can see a bit of themselves and find hope that things can be different and get better, then I'm grateful I've decided to go through with this.

    BPD isn't the hellhole, throwaway diagnosis it used to be. If you're working with someone who has a true understanding, that's awesome. You deserve to free from it.

  5. That's something you and I have in common, I think. But hey, I figure you'll figure out the proper groove and pace for this project as time goes on. Just keep trucking.


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