Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Turn and Face the Strange Ch ch changes...

It amazes me how much has changed in the last 8 years. It's hard to comprehend sometimes just how many of the people who are a part of our family's lives and have been a part of watching us all grow, are people we've never met face to face.

When this blogging adventure began my biggest concern was how to both parent my real life kids and parent the ones inside as well... or worrying about one of the kids inadvertently sharing a story about Mom's others with their friends or teachers. One Mother's day, the card Daniel made for me was a precious, heartfelt letter about what he loved in me... and included the statement, "and especially your littles who are fun and cool."

I'll never forget the moment I realized that 5 year old John had figured out to ask for Amelia when he didn't hear what he wanted from Mom... and now he and his girlfriend are, for all intents and purposes, sneaking behind her dad's back. That is a whole other entry for another day... (it's been mentioned before but I'm reminded again how deep in the crap we are with our kids.)

Krys was just getting really interested in boys and burning up the phone so much we got a second line just for the kids. Now she's married and planning for her first child.

It was the same year we began blogging that Amelia (5 year old alter at the time. She aged to 8 before integration) reached a point of seeing my physical body as that of an adult and not a child. Becka and Rachel were playing barbies with her one morning when she made the glorious discovery that not only did she have boobs, but they felt like Koosh balls! It would be a few years before I worked up the courage to publicly share that particular story.

Becka and Rachel are long past barbie dolls. (Both Krys and Becka have made it abundantly clear that even if they have girls, pink is OUTLAWED as a color for their kids.)

Becka is 5 months along now and only just beginning to show. I had the joy of feeling my granddaughter kick for the first time last night. She and Noeli have asked me to spend his day off tomorrow shopping for the baby. He's been dying to go since he found out she was pregnant. It's been a chore to get him to be a bit patient about that. Though his patience with Becka has finally yielded his reward. Once he finally stopped pushing, Becka told him that not only does she want to be his girlfriend, she hopes their relationship will grow beyond that of a couple of teens who happened to make a baby together. Of course, if she agreed, he'd run her to the justice of the peace tomorrow. I'm glad she's insisted on not following one impulsive act with another.

I feel a senseless and nostalgic ramble coming on but am too tired to do much more tonight.

As much of my time writing was about recovery, it was also about family. I've looked to my personal past aplenty over the years. I'd like to spend some time reminiscing about they journey my kids have taken with me all these years. They've shaped the people they have (and will continue to) become. There's finally a sense of peace that in all the years of rampant insanity ("which one of you is you today?") we've somehow managed to raise some awesome people, growing to strong, healthy adults.

In an effort to focus my writing and, i hope, make it easier to sort through the jumble of things in my brain, I'd like to make that a goal for the next week or so... just writing about the kids.

God knows there's a wealth of material to work with.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

*face palm*

John showed me the valentine's gift he picked out for his girlfriend. He's been at us all week to take him shopping for her so Dad took him out yesterday afternoon.

This morning when he showed me the heart-shaped necklace and earrings he chose I asked him if 12 wasn't a little young to be buying jewelry for a girl. He just rolled his eyes. "I've already given her a ring that Daniel found and gave me so I could give her something. I know I'm three years younger than Daniel, but you know I'm gonna do stuff earlier anyway."
Clearly, it's time for The Talk.
"So Emily is officially your girlfriend? How long has this been going on?"
"Oh, about 13 weeks."
Three months? Are you freaking kidding me?
"So, um... do you know the actual date this took place?"
"Nah, she keeps track of that stuff."

Yeah, he's a guy.

Friday, February 12, 2010

From the files of "things I thought I'd never have to say"

This is what happens when you have 8-10 teenagers hanging out in the snow...
"Please, DO NOT make the snowman anatomically correct! Take the extra carrot and the apples BACK IN THE HOUSE!"

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Intro, of sorts

Ah, I've missed these days. So much inspiration for writing. It's been too long.

But seeing as this is in many ways a 'new' blog and given the number of people reading who weren't privy to the Open Diary and Bloop days of blogging, perhaps it's time to say more about myself than I bothered to put in a profile.

My name is Marisa Feathers. I'm 40 years old. Married to Charlie for 23 years. Together we have 5 kids. Krys (21 and married to Steve), Rebecca (Becka is 18 and 17 week pregnant with our first grandchild), Rachel (17), Daniel (15) and John (12 and in the process of being officially diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome)

In october 2007 we legally adopted an adult daughter. She is no longer part of our lives. It's a touchy subject and one I will rarely address here.

I am a Christian, active in my church and a leader in the areas of worship and youth. I recently began my first semester of a bible school called Global Missions Training Institute. For the first time in many, many years I am comfortable enough to write about my faith and look forward to more of it.

My blogging runs the gamut from the serious to the utterly goofy. One skill rampant in our family is the ability to find the absurd in situations that would make most others cry. There is no overall theme to this blog. It's random, opinionated, weird and a reflection of me. It is what it is. The ramblings of a strange creature who hopes someone, somewhere can relate to and be touched by what they read.

You know, trying to sum up anything about myself in a single post seems like a joke...

All prior blogs are currently locked away on a hard drive that went poof. It hasn't been much of a priority to recover those writings but might be worth having Charlie do his computer magic thingie.

Man... this was not supposed to turn into some existential drama...

The name of the blog... Bittersweet Gestalt. This comes from the journey of the last couple of years... the times since I closed my last real blog and stopped writing for a season.

I'm a recovered multiple... as in Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.

For most of the first 37 or so years of my life, I lived a fractured existence. Much of my childhood is a mish-mash of random memories and years long holes. In and out of hospitals as a teen and the early years of marriage... then for a number of years a perfect example of productive wife and mother until my defenses and delusions broke down. In 1999 I was finally diagnosed and entered therapy with both a trauma therapist and a psychiatrist specializing in DID. Most of that journey was recorded in a blog called The Crew.

Integration, such as it is, has been a whole new journey all its own. One I've avoided writing about. In part because of blogger burnout, a collection of hurts it was convenient to blame and my own laziness.

My life seems to be entering yet another new season. Children are reaching adulthood, starting life on their own, and I'm about to become a grandmother. Seems a good time to open the doors to writing again... about life, family, faith and this roller-coaster of learning to be me.

Here's hoping it's still something worth sharing.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

"Fine then, God. Be that way."

Sitting in the sound room, working at my desk and listening to the Wednesday night teaching. (Not a sit still kind of person) The pastor brought up some of the hierarchical thinking that exists in many churches... the attitudes about office, power, etc... and then in reference to our own church leadership said "They are still trying to unlearn the flawed thinking they were brought up with. They are learning. We must be patient and willing to wait."
It's a good thing I wasn't out among the congregation... because I heard the words, felt a little spiritual slap on the back of the head and growled, "Fine then, God. Be that way."
Charlie just cracked up laughing.
When the bible says for wives to submit to their husbands, I'm pretty sure that means I'm not supposed to beat him with a big stick at church.